1
00:00:00,534 --> 00:00:02,670
[music playing]

2
00:00:07,075 --> 00:00:08,809
Uck, ooh, yours.

3
00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:11,645
Oh, yeah, now if
a grande is a large,

4
00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:14,415
and a tall is a small, then
what the hell is a short?

5
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:16,517
I was wondering
the same thing.

6
00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:17,585
Tyler.

7
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:20,388
Jessie Hill, oh,
God, that feels great.

8
00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:21,289
[laughter]

9
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:22,556
This is is amazing.

10
00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,192
You know, I never thought
the next time I'd see you,

11
00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:25,526
you'd be--

12
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:28,929
Discussing the sizing trends
of caffeinated beverages.

13
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:29,963
Married, what?

14
00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:32,500
Unless, uh, that's a rumor.

15
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:33,467
Sorry.

16
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:37,004
Oh, this is my Tom,
my husband, Tom.

17
00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:38,005
This is Tyler.

18
00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:41,008
We know each other from camp.

19
00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,143
Camp.

20
00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:44,312
Is that what they're
calling it these days?

21
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:45,813
[giggling]

22
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:47,681
[clearing throat]

23
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:48,949
Yeah, so, uh, this
is the lucky guy.

24
00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:49,917
JESSIE: Yeah.

25
00:00:50,017 --> 00:00:51,252
Yeah.

26
00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:52,953
I bet Jessie has told you
all about her crazy adventures,

27
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,155
huh?

28
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:55,623
I can happily say no.

29
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:59,827
No, she, uh, never
mentioned you.

30
00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:01,362
I was like a deer caught
in the headlights.

31
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:02,730
And the headlights
were on a train,

32
00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,565
and the train was
full of spiders.

33
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:05,766
Oh, one of those.

34
00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:07,168
Now I can't stop thinking
about how many people

35
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:08,369
Jessie's been with.
- Wait.

36
00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:09,637
Have you never had the talk?

37
00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:11,472
Well, how am I
supposed to bring it up?

38
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:12,573
Pass the salt, sweetie.

39
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:15,176
Say, how many people
have you slept with?

40
00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:16,844
Yeah, like that.

41
00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:19,947
After I found out about you,
I blocked the whole issue.

42
00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:22,716
Now I was hoping we were tied
at two apiece, her with you

43
00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:24,318
and me with Sherri.

44
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:25,719
The chick with
the facial tick?

45
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:26,754
It was a dimple.

46
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:28,055
That moved.

47
00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:30,524
And now there's this new
guy who could tip the scale

48
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:31,859
in Jessie's direction.

49
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,927
Yeah, I don't want to be the
one with the smaller number.

50
00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:35,429
Then have the talk.

51
00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:38,098
The key to a lasting
relationship is honesty.

52
00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:40,201
Says the guy who told
his last girlfriend he

53
00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:42,336
ghost wrote for Taylor Swift.

54
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,004
Honesty on her part,
I mean, you can make up

55
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,139
whatever number you want.

56
00:01:45,239 --> 00:01:47,508
No, I inflate my sexual
history, even by one,

57
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:48,409
Jessie will know.

58
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:49,810
I'm not discussing it.

59
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,179
Discussing what?

60
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:54,282
Your booty numbers,
truth will set you free.

61
00:01:54,382 --> 00:01:55,483
So wait.

62
00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:57,251
This is virgin territory
for you two, so to speak?

63
00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:58,586
It's not something
that just comes up.

64
00:01:58,686 --> 00:02:02,323
Oh, cupcake, say,
Carter, nice shirt.

65
00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:03,857
What's your number?

66
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,527
Can't put a price on love.

67
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:07,761
But if I did, it would be 12.
You?

68
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:08,662
Four.

69
00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:10,164
One-night stands count.

70
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:11,332
6.

71
00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:12,233
See?

72
00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:13,133
Now you, Tom.

73
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,739
Three.

74
00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:20,308
Jessie?

75
00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:22,310
Two.
Satisfied?

76
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:24,778
And both here at
this table, up top.

77
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:29,717
[theme music]

78
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:31,685
THEME SONG:
(SINGING) Can we find

79
00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:35,656
a way that we can be together?

80
00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:40,093
Is there any way that
we can be together?

81
00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:45,065
And, oh, by the way,
baby, do you love me?

82
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,033
Yes, I do.

83
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:47,034
Yes, I do.

84
00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:49,503
Yes, I do.

85
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:50,504
Yes, I do.

86
00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:59,580
[crickets chirping]

87
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:02,616
We have to talk.

88
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:03,817
Will there be sex after?

89
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,052
No.

90
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:07,020
Then can we change have
to to should at some point?

91
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:14,695
That guy you met, Tyler,
we kind of hooked up.

92
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:16,630
Hooked up as in
let's do coffee?

93
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:21,469
Or hooked up as in how did my
panties end up on the ceiling?

94
00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:24,572
It was post-Carter and
pre-you, a camp fling.

95
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,039
And I could have kept
lying about my number,

96
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:28,409
but it felt wrong.

97
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,944
So your real number is three.

98
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:31,879
Which means we're tired.

99
00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:32,780
You have three.

100
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:33,681
I have three.

101
00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:34,915
It's a good thing, right?

102
00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:35,883
Perfect.

103
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:37,818
OK.

104
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:38,786
[sigh]

105
00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,089
So who was it?

106
00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:43,357
I've learned a
thing or two since we

107
00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:46,894
got married, well,
a thing, singular,

108
00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,228
enough to know not to go there.

109
00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:50,063
But I already know about
the girl with the facial tick.

110
00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:50,998
That has a dimple.

111
00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:51,899
And there's me.

112
00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:52,966
So who's the third, Maya?

113
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:53,867
No.

114
00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:54,902
Claire?

115
00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:55,803
She's my cousin.

116
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,338
Janet from the bookstore?

117
00:03:57,438 --> 00:03:58,238
With the mullet?

118
00:03:58,339 --> 00:03:59,673
It works for her.

119
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:00,574
Come on, Tom.

120
00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:01,742
We're tied, Jess.

121
00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:04,044
Let it go.

122
00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:04,945
Sure.

123
00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:09,182
Melinda?

124
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,187
[humming]

125
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:15,122
Oh, hey, babe.

126
00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:17,090
You know what time it is?

127
00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:18,759
Beer 30?

128
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,761
Oh, thanks.

129
00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:22,062
I needed that.

130
00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:24,197
Now imagine how much better
it would taste in a place

131
00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:27,768
that rhymes with New Mexico.

132
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:28,736
Mexico?

133
00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:30,037
Bingo.

134
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:32,139
I just booked us two
tickets for next week.

135
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,240
[laughter]

136
00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:34,708
Happy 40th, sweetie.

137
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,910
Oh, wait.

138
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,245
Next week?

139
00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:40,047
With passport is expired.

140
00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:43,083
There's no way that I'm going
to get it renewed in time.

141
00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:44,785
I already turned all
my jeans into cutoffs.

142
00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:45,686
OK, well, look.

143
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:46,687
You know what?

144
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,188
I'll sort out my
passport, and then we

145
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,391
can go for your birthday, OK?

146
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:52,426
Little Tara is turning 40.

147
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:54,161
Yeah, but don't worry.

148
00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:57,331
You will still be
the wise elder.

149
00:04:57,431 --> 00:05:00,401
Babe, your shirt, inside out.
- The inside was cleaner.

150
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:01,902
[funky music]

151
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:07,341
(SINGING) You can see
by the way I move,

152
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:12,279
oh, it don't get no better.

153
00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:13,246
All right.

154
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,852
Hey, honey.

155
00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:21,989
Hi, honey.

156
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:26,860
Yo, yo, the benevolent one,
Ben Jammin, Benjalamadingdong,

157
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:27,761
Ben Ben the--

158
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,230
Stop right there.

159
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,833
I have never heard your tacking
a music suffix onto my name.

160
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:33,734
What gives?

161
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:34,802
I'm in a bit of a quandary.

162
00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,604
I'm supposed to go
to Mexico on Friday.

163
00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:38,205
For the last time,
Phil, I cannot help

164
00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:39,540
you beat the cavity search.

165
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,409
Oh, Tara's passport expired.

166
00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:43,544
I was hoping you could
pull some strings for me.

167
00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:44,945
I'm a judge, not the mafia.

168
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:46,279
Yeah, but you know people.

169
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:49,917
I thought maybe you'd know
someone in the passport office.

170
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:51,519
Fine, give me
all Tara's details.

171
00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:52,753
I'll see what I can do.

172
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,155
Oh, I've got them right
here, everything you need--

173
00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:58,692
her name, date of birth, place
of birth, her measurements.

174
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:00,027
I don't need her measurements.

175
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:01,328
I'm just showing off.

176
00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:04,898
OK, thanks.

177
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,233
Whoa.

178
00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:08,168
Jessie wants a name.

179
00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:09,369
So make one up.

180
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:10,638
It's not that easy.

181
00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:13,040
Samantha Beasley, age 21,
second-year psych student

182
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,307
on the rebound, you
hooked up with her

183
00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:15,876
at your uncle's
cottage last summer

184
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:18,178
after a crazy night of board
games and wine spritzers.

185
00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:20,013
She was drop-dead gorgeous,
but kind of looked

186
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,449
like Bruce Willis
when she smiled,

187
00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:24,918
which was surprisingly hot.

188
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:26,019
It's a gift.

189
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,187
It's a sickness.

190
00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:28,822
Jessie will smell a lie.

191
00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:31,692
She's like a dog, with a
really good sense of smell.

192
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,727
OK, so literally any dog.

193
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:36,096
I need a plausible
name, ideally,

194
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:37,030
somebody who has moved away.

195
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:38,198
Or am I over thinking this?

196
00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:44,071
Well, maybe Jessie
has already forgotten.

197
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:45,305
Emily Ditchburn?
JESSIE: No way.

198
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,007
- Angie Gerber?
- That dye job?

199
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:47,941
Please.

200
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:49,510
I'll file her under maybe.

201
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:50,844
Gretchen Lloyd.

202
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:52,880
No, she had that boyfriend
who is a really great kisser,

203
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:53,847
remember?

204
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,048
How do you know
he's a great kisser?

205
00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:56,684
Because I read it
on a blog somewhere.

206
00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:58,385
How do you think I
know I slept with him?

207
00:06:58,486 --> 00:07:00,187
I can't believe we're tied.

208
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:02,556
Now every time he chats with
some girl, I'm going to wonder,

209
00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:03,791
was she the one?

210
00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:06,093
We'll find who his
number three is, and not

211
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:09,196
just to satisfy my curiosity,
although admittedly

212
00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:10,598
that is a big incentive.

213
00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:21,141
Good lord, couldn't find
any bacon to wrap around that?

214
00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:23,243
Pork rinds are the
bacon in the equation.

215
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:25,613
And what part of knock
first don't you understand?

216
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:27,114
I just had a little
chat with my contact

217
00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:28,415
at the passport office.

218
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:30,350
Your little shindig in the
sun is gonna have to wait.

219
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,485
I thought you
said he had pull.

220
00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:33,420
Oh, he pulled, Phil,
but there was nothing

221
00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:34,655
at the other end of the rope.

222
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:37,424
It seems Tara's details
didn't match a single person

223
00:07:37,525 --> 00:07:38,559
in the entire system.

224
00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:39,760
That can't be.

225
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,562
You should know, Phil,
in my capacity as a judge,

226
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:44,097
I've seen couples keep secrets
from each other for decades.

227
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,833
Tara and I don't keep secrets.

228
00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:48,902
No.

229
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:50,671
Of course, you don't.

230
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:52,205
And Judith tells
you everything.

231
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,445
Oh, hey, Judith.

232
00:07:58,546 --> 00:08:00,514
Botox?

233
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:04,017
God, no.
Can you tell?

234
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,418
That's the point, Mrs. Bellow.

235
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:06,486
So you can tell?

236
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:07,888
No, no, you look great.

237
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:08,789
Listen, girls.

238
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:11,224
You cannot tell anyone.

239
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,460
It's the first time,
and I don't even

240
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:14,728
know if I'm going to keep it.

241
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,063
Well, it's not
like a pair of pumps.

242
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,831
You can't just take it back.

243
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:19,466
Everyone's Botoxed these days.

244
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:20,701
Don't worry about it.

245
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:21,702
Do I look worried?

246
00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:25,505
Um, it's kind of hard to tell.

247
00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:30,878
OK, let's say you're right.

248
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:32,345
What if Tara doesn't
show up in the system?

249
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:33,446
What could it mean?

250
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:34,782
Who knows?

251
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,217
Witness protection program,
skipping bail, tax evasion,

252
00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:38,451
she's a ghost.

253
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:40,053
When you two first met,
was there anything unusual?

254
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:42,590
Well, everything
was pretty innocent.

255
00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:46,594
This one belongs in a
frame, like you, Tara.

256
00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:49,462
It's perfect.

257
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:52,666
Yeah, underage consumption
of alcoholic beverages,

258
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:55,535
falsifying government documents,
no, nothing shady there.

259
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,204
She wanted to get
into a few clubs.

260
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:58,338
It's not a crime.

261
00:08:58,438 --> 00:08:59,907
Has it ever occurred
to you that maybe she

262
00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:01,809
was using you to
change her persona

263
00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:04,211
because she was on the run?

264
00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,379
And then pretended to be my
live-in lover for 22 years?

265
00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:07,648
Foolproof plan.

266
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,282
Well, have you ever
seen her real ID?

267
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:12,285
Just last night, actually.

268
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,354
Officer Tara Merker here.

269
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:18,525
You have the right
to remain naked.

270
00:09:18,626 --> 00:09:20,193
No, that was fake, too.

271
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:23,096
Well, there is one way
to find out the truth.

272
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:24,431
Tickle her?

273
00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,800
No, fingerprints, you idiot,
and I happen to know a guy

274
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:27,735
who does checks on the side.

275
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:29,369
How many guys do you have?

276
00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:31,204
Do you really want
me to answer that?

277
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:32,539
- Angeline.
- What?

278
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:33,907
No.
- Marsha from down the street.

279
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:34,942
She's, like, 40.

280
00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:36,209
I'm not discussing
this, end of story.

281
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:38,612
- Because you're making it up.
- I am not making it up.

282
00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:39,847
Carter, would you hold me out?

283
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:43,516
Uh, we agreed, like
gentlemen, not to kiss and tell.

284
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:45,185
Without a name,
I'm not buying.

285
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:46,086
Erin?

286
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:47,054
Your sister, Erin?

287
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:47,955
Yeah.

288
00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:49,556
That's it.

289
00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:51,058
His sister, Erin, is my third.

290
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:52,225
We made sweet, sweet love.

291
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:53,460
Happy?
- Wait.

292
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:54,361
What?

293
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:55,829
No-- no.

294
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,497
Carter's sister,
Erin, no wonder

295
00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:58,832
he couldn't say anything.

296
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,267
Yeah, I mean, it
would have been awkward.

297
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:01,568
Yeah, as opposed to now?

298
00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:02,770
What the hell are you doing?

299
00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:03,837
The wounds are still fresh.

300
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:04,838
I understand.

301
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,740
Yeah, and she's
also right behind you.

302
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:07,875
Hey, guys.

303
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:09,309
What's going on?

304
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:13,380
No idea, but you're
here, and that's great.

305
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:19,152
Hey, sis.

306
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:21,088
Forgot to mention
you were in town.

307
00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:23,290
Oh, it's so weird
to run into everyone.

308
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,092
Just like old times, huh?

309
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:26,927
Except we're not at
the kids table anymore.

310
00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:29,262
[forced laughter]

311
00:10:31,699 --> 00:10:33,000
Do I have something in my teeth?

312
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,268
So what are you in Tom for?

313
00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:36,269
I mean town.

314
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:38,305
Oh, I just have
something to deal with.

315
00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:40,040
Speaking of which,
I was going to pop

316
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,141
by your place today, Tom.

317
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:42,042
[gurgling]

318
00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:44,144
To see Monica, is she around?

319
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:45,578
Why do you think
I'm hiding here?

320
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:48,481
Hey, Erin, didn't Mom
need help with groceries?

321
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:50,583
Hey, Carter, didn't
Mom say you were adopted?

322
00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:51,752
Ladies and
gentlemen, my sister--

323
00:10:51,852 --> 00:10:54,354
intrusive and hilarious.

324
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:56,356
Well, I would love to
stay and make Carter cry.

325
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:58,658
But, uh, I should go.

326
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,027
Maybe I'll see you later.

327
00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:01,194
It was great seeing you, Erin.

328
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:02,662
Maybe we'll see
you another Tom--

329
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:03,563
time.

330
00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:09,002
That feel good?

331
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:10,470
I'd tell you if it didn't.

332
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:11,839
You would, wouldn't you?

333
00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:12,973
Of course, I would.

334
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:14,942
I mean, you know, after
24 years of marriage,

335
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:18,011
I should be able to take any
curve ball you throw my way.

336
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,079
What are you getting at?

337
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,848
Well, it's amazing
some of the secrets

338
00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:23,416
that wives keep
from their husbands.

339
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,417
[sigh]

340
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:28,321
Ben, I do have
something to tell you.

341
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:30,758
Yeah?

342
00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:31,925
You're pressing too hard.

343
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:37,731
Oh, what, beer 30 already?

344
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:39,032
I'm on Mexican time.

345
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:39,933
[laughter]

346
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,401
We're in the same time zone.

347
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:42,302
Exactly.

348
00:11:45,438 --> 00:11:47,040
All right, then.

349
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,242
Ooh, Forget the lime, ha.

350
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:08,328
[sigh]

351
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:11,765
Genius.

352
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:14,968
You supersized,
double-stuffed ass sandwich.

353
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,036
Look.

354
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:17,537
I said I needed someone
from out of town.

355
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:18,571
You said Erin.

356
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:19,907
I thought you were
throwing me a bone.

357
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:22,709
She is my sister,
and there will be

358
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:24,144
no bone talk about my sister.

359
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:25,278
Imaginary bone.

360
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:26,513
No bone.

361
00:12:26,613 --> 00:12:28,681
It's not like I didn't
respect her in the morning.

362
00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:31,084
You can't have fantasy
sex with my sister,

363
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,120
even if you do use
imaginary precaution.

364
00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:36,389
At least, it was pretend
sex, unlike you and Jessie.

365
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:37,958
Throwing that
back in my face now?

366
00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:40,393
I just need you to
keep this lie alive,

367
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:41,694
at listen until Erin leaves.

368
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,263
You do that, and we're even.

369
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:46,166
Fine, Erin leaves
this weekend,

370
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,467
if that's any consolation.

371
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:52,005
Great, you just keep her
away from Jessie until then.

372
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,507
There is one more thing
that you might need to know.

373
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,878
What's that?

374
00:12:57,978 --> 00:13:00,780
No, it's not important.

375
00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:02,549
You are so adorable.

376
00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:04,818
I wanted Monica to see him.

377
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:07,420
Oh, I live to show
off this little guy.

378
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,857
And I've seen
it, and she's nice.

379
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:10,824
It's a he.

380
00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:12,192
Oh.

381
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,961
This is Erin's son.

382
00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:15,495
Isn't he a cute, little tiger?

383
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:17,697
Yeah, he was a
bit of a surprise.

384
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:18,798
I was going to
tell you guys, but

385
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,067
everyone started acting weird.

386
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:22,302
I want to keep
you, little Tommy.

387
00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:24,804
You're such a sweetie.

388
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,106
Did you say Tommy?

389
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:27,908
Hey, can we go already?

390
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,710
That tequila is not
going to shoot itself.

391
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,212
Bye, sweetie.

392
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,113
[sigh]

393
00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:35,983
Buh-bye.

394
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:39,486
So the results are in,
and they're not pretty.

395
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:40,387
I'm sorry.

396
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:41,288
I can't do this.

397
00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:43,523
Sit down, Phil.

398
00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:46,093
You need to hear this.

399
00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:47,327
What do we have?

400
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:50,630
August 25, 1987, one notice
of intended prosecution,

401
00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:53,066
subsequently appealed,
for running a red light.

402
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:53,967
That's no big deal.

403
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,068
I've done that myself.

404
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:59,339
September 23, 1988, one
count of public nudity.

405
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:01,741
Another thing that Tara
and I have in common.

406
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,210
Really?

407
00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:06,646
January 4, 1989, one count
of disturbing the peace, two

408
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:10,050
counts of gross indecency
after being discovered by a bus

409
00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:13,420
load of Boy Scouts, quote,
"passed out on the city hall

410
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:17,991
stairs wearing nothing but a
jockstrap and a Yoda mask,"

411
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:18,892
end quote.

412
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:20,793
OK, this is getting weird.

413
00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:22,229
Is it?

414
00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:24,364
Well, what's even
weirder is that Tara

415
00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:28,068
Merker is, in fact, a
man, a man by the name

416
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:29,502
of Philip Wallace Hill.

417
00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:31,471
What?

418
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:34,841
They were your prints, genius.

419
00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:36,309
How did they get my prints?

420
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:39,112
You gave me your prints.

421
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:40,013
Why would I do that?

422
00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:46,786
Are you sure the baby's Tom's?

423
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,055
The math works.

424
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:51,191
She named him Tommy, and I
could see it in her eyes.

425
00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:53,927
What more do I need, an
announcement on Facebook?

426
00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:55,228
Oh, consider it done.

427
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,396
This is not funny.

428
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,198
Everything in my
life has changed.

429
00:14:58,298 --> 00:14:59,432
Relax, Jessie.

430
00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:00,367
You don't know for sure.

431
00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:02,469
Did you even ask
about the father?

432
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:05,405
If by ask, you mean
pretend I got a text message,

433
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:08,775
run to the backyard, and vomit
into my purse, then, yes.

434
00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:11,611
If it is true, Tom
doesn't even know.

435
00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:13,346
Oh, my God.

436
00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:16,483
Oh, my God, that's why
she's here, to tell him he's

437
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:17,917
a father.

438
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:19,619
What would you do
in my situation?

439
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:22,222
Uh, that new barista
at Flacky's, he's

440
00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:23,957
got a smoking six pack.

441
00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:25,458
OK, I said what, not who.

442
00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:27,560
Well, my libido increases
during times of stress.

443
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:28,695
Look.

444
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:30,297
The most important thing
is that you talk to Tom.

445
00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:33,800
But if I'm wrong, I'll
look like a total ass.

446
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:35,368
Then just let it fester.

447
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:36,669
It's sure to go away on its own.

448
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:44,377
Hey, Mom.

449
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:45,578
Have you seen Jessie?

450
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:47,747
Yeah, she was here
earlier, when Erin popped by.

451
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:48,648
Erin?

452
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,150
Did Jessie and Erin talk?

453
00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:52,652
About what?

454
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:53,886
Stuff.

455
00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:58,358
What would Jessie and
Erin have to talk about?

456
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,460
Are you keeping
a secret from me?

457
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:01,528
Why?

458
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:02,629
What did Jessie tell you?

459
00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:09,602
Carter, you were supposed
to keep Jessie and Erin apart.

460
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:11,171
What if Jessie confronted her?

461
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:14,307
You know, this is
your little drama.

462
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:15,708
You'd better go talk to her.

463
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:16,676
What do I say?

464
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:18,278
It'll come to you.

465
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:20,147
Oh, uh, bring some sort
of recording device.

466
00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:21,214
This puppy should go viral.

467
00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:31,524
What are you doing?

468
00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:33,726
Uh, searching for porno.

469
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:37,464
You know damn well
where we keep our porn.

470
00:16:37,564 --> 00:16:39,699
That's where we
keep our passports.

471
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:42,802
For those of us who have
one, I gave Ben all our deets

472
00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:44,104
so we could fast track our trip.

473
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,938
You don't show up
in the system, Tara.

474
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:47,874
What did you do, blow
up a sausage factory,

475
00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:49,676
free some monkeys?

476
00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:51,211
Did you vote conservative?

477
00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:56,349
I knew that this was going
to catch up with me one day.

478
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:57,317
All right.

479
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:03,790
(SINGING) Well, I'm on to you.

480
00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:06,093
Phil, it's-- Phil, come on.

481
00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:09,162
(SINGING) I'm onto all
the things you had to do.

482
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:11,864
Leave me alone, Tara.

483
00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:13,466
Phil, just wait.

484
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,468
What's that about?

485
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:18,905
Honey, you lie to your spouse,
and you reap the whirlwind

486
00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:20,707
and its path of destruction.

487
00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:26,713
I tried Botox.
I'm sorry, honey.

488
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:29,716
I hate lying to you.

489
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:32,219
Well, you still
look like my wife.

490
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:33,153
Younger?

491
00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:35,988
Sure, if that's
what you want, as

492
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:36,956
long as we grow old together.

493
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:45,832
(SINGING) Well, I'm onto you.

494
00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:47,434
I'm onto--

495
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,169
We have to talk.

496
00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:51,003
I know.

497
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:52,639
I saw Erin today.

498
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,507
I know what's going on.

499
00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:55,942
- In a way, I'm relieved.
- Wait.

500
00:17:56,042 --> 00:17:56,843
You know?

501
00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:57,944
Well, of course, I know.

502
00:17:58,044 --> 00:17:59,646
It's my fault.

503
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:00,947
That's a funny
way of putting it.

504
00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:02,215
This is so humiliating.

505
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:03,950
Can we just pretend
this never happened?

506
00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:06,018
It's not something
you can undo.

507
00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:09,055
I'm not proud of it, but
you're making too big a deal.

508
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:10,423
There is no bigger deal.

509
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,592
What kind of man are you?

510
00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:14,327
Real classy, Jess.

511
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,095
You know I'm
embarrassed about this.

512
00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:18,064
Oh, you're unbelievable.

513
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:21,434
TOM: Jessie, wait.
Way

514
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,536
Well, I guess this is
as good a time as ever

515
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:24,771
to get it all out in the open.

516
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:26,839
Do we really need to do
this in front of everybody?

517
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:27,840
Oh, that would be awesome.

518
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,209
Shut it, Carter.

519
00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:32,579
Tom, I did not raise you to
talk to your friends like that.

520
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,747
Did you raise him to get his
best friend's sister pregnant

521
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:37,250
and then refuse to
acknowledge the baby?

522
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:39,018
What the hell are
you talking about?

523
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,353
From the fling you two had.

524
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:41,388
Erin and Tom?

525
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:43,823
[laughter]

526
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:50,730
You lied?

527
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:52,265
I can explain everything.

528
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:53,800
Well, what about the name?

529
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,034
TOM: Yeah, what about the name?

530
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:58,338
Thomas is our
grandfather's name.

531
00:18:58,438 --> 00:19:00,139
Should I have
mentioned that earlier?

532
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,809
Jessie, wait.

533
00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:03,976
So I guess poker night is off.

534
00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:13,920
Just looking
through old photos,

535
00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:16,556
all these years
celebrating your not 25th,

536
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:20,026
your un-30th, your fake 40th.

537
00:19:20,126 --> 00:19:23,363
You have every
right to be upset.

538
00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:26,699
It's just something that
happened, and I rolled with it.

539
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:28,134
You were born
four years earlier

540
00:19:28,235 --> 00:19:33,306
than I thought, which makes
you one year older than me.

541
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:37,109
I had such a
wicked crush on you.

542
00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:41,514
And you were the campus ID guy,
and it was the only way that I

543
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,850
could think of to meet you.

544
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:46,986
So you pretended
to be jail bait?

545
00:19:47,086 --> 00:19:48,421
Yeah.

546
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:49,689
Look.

547
00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:53,226
You know I don't care
about this kind of stuff.

548
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:55,127
But you were always
so proud to play

549
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:57,764
the wise mentor that,
you know, I just didn't

550
00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:58,998
have the heart to stop it.

551
00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:01,968
I'm sorry.

552
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:03,069
Come on.

553
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:06,306
Talk to me, Phil, please.

554
00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:07,940
I guess you really
are my old lady now.

555
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,008
[laughter]

556
00:20:09,108 --> 00:20:12,879
(SINGING) There's
trouble on this road.

557
00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:15,582
This ain't no ordinary highway.

558
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:23,323
All those long, long drives.

559
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,292
You were so worried
about the possibility of us

560
00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:27,126
not being tied, you
let me think we could

561
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,195
be stuck with a
screaming, sniveling child

562
00:20:29,296 --> 00:20:30,263
for the rest of our lives.

563
00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:31,498
Come on.

564
00:20:31,598 --> 00:20:33,633
I cut back on the screaming
and sniveling ages ago.

565
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,167
I don't care about
your number, Tom.

566
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:38,271
I just-- I wish you would
talk to me instead of Carter.

567
00:20:38,371 --> 00:20:40,707
No more secrets.

568
00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:43,276
OK, then there is something
even Carter doesn't know,

569
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:45,878
something you have to promise
me stays between us forever.

570
00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:48,515
It's in the vault.

571
00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:52,985
The girl with the facial tick,
I never got passed second base.

572
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:56,489
I-- I tried to steal third,
but it got embarrassing.

573
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,891
So before me, you were--

574
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:02,228
My number is one, Jess, you.

575
00:21:02,329 --> 00:21:07,667
(SINGING) I'm no
fool, fool for trying.

576
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:13,506
You don't know what you
miss until it's gone.

577
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:14,974
[country music]

578
00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:17,944
I hope you're not
tired yet, sailor.

579
00:21:18,044 --> 00:21:19,211
What's with the getup, Jess?

580
00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:20,847
I don't know who
this Jess character

581
00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:23,316
is because my name is Jolene.

582
00:21:23,416 --> 00:21:25,184
My wife's gonna be so mad.

583
00:21:29,556 --> 00:21:31,290
I am so, so happy right now.

584
00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:34,026
Really?

585
00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:34,961
JUDITH: Mm.

586
00:21:35,061 --> 00:21:36,996
Because it's kind
of hard to tell.

587
00:21:37,096 --> 00:21:38,865
[laughter]

588
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,035
PHIL: That was unbelievable.

589
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:45,672
I guess it's true what
they say about older women.

590
00:21:49,876 --> 00:21:52,379
Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

591
00:21:52,479 --> 00:21:56,282
(SINGING) You want
love, but you fear it.

592
00:21:56,383 --> 00:22:00,186
Your attention's been shifted.

593
00:22:00,286 --> 00:22:08,294
You summed up the feeling
with a simple dismissing.

594
00:22:08,395 --> 00:22:10,997
What you gonna do?

595
00:22:11,097 --> 00:22:14,601
Deceiving, it ain't you.

596
00:22:14,701 --> 00:22:20,607
Believe it, 'cause
our love ain't easy.

597
00:22:20,707 --> 00:22:24,844
It changes with the seasons.

598
00:22:24,894 --> 00:22:29,444
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